


When I Think of You

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Points of View
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-11-09
Updated: 2003-11-09
Packaged: 2018-12-26 17:49:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12063999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: After Rage Party Justin is living it alone.





	When I Think of You

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

This is my first attempt at BxJ, this instalment is Justin's POV. My version of Justin is strong and resourceful, albeit a little morose..... feedback is oh so welcome!

* * *

I realised that whenever I think of you, it is as though I have fallen into the depths of the abyss. Lost as time went by, the only sound that resonated through this space is the beating of my heart. 

I realised that whenever I think of you, I begin to understand myself better. There is always the hope that the sands of time would heal all wounds but it only made it more unbearable, to the point that just pining for this lost seemed to be enough. 

I still love him, it is the first time I feel absolutely helpless. I have made the worst decision and the most abhorrent choice in leaving him. Whenever I think of him, I can’t help but blame myself. 

I still love him, even if everyone around me tried to console me otherwise. If I ever fall in love again, deep in my heart is the one and only great love. He is the ray of light in this tomb, my only chance at unadulterated happiness.

That is it; I dropped my pen and closed the journal. It has been three weeks since the Rage Party and three weeks of leaving the most secure and loving place he has ever known. Maybe the loving is taking it a bit too far, but I know that he will never intentionally hurt me. All the same, the consequence is the same. I am alone.

Deep in my heart I know that I can recover from this, I am still breathing and living the same way as I have all these years. I feel as though these past couple of years, I have fallen with the wind. Or someone as transient as the wind, I seem to be the one who is affected by whatever direction this wind blows. It just intensifies my sense of helplessness. 

Love, it struck me before I could even comprehend what was really happening. Like in a tornado, I got swept up by the storm and could not escape, even if I wanted to. And just like in a tornado, this love has left me bare and vulnerable. I don’t want to think about this, I want to stop thinking about him. Without me realising it, this love has left me but I am still in this storm. 

I should stop this. In the beginning, I had to force myself to get out of bed. Even brushing my teeth became a conscious movement, before I could be ready to go in five minutes but since then it will take me about fifteen at least. Everything seems to be in slow motion. I laughed without humour; my New Year resolution is to live my life instinctively. Again, without much mirth the only self-possession I have is my art. 

I got up from the bed and walked my bathroom, oh yes, I have my own apartment. Small studio, with a small balcony that has no view whatsoever but it brings in a lot of light. This is my favourite spot. I would go home, grab a drink and then sit on this lounge chair to draw or paint or just plain nothing. Brushing my teeth seems to be my most mechanical ritual, just want to get it done and go and have a long and hot shower. Don’t go there, Justin. My mind must be restrained all the time because it has the tendency to roam and reminisce, you know, to the many memorable showers of the past. 

There are many things in this world that is out my hands, my hand. However, when I draw, every brush and stroke is calculated and accurate. I am very conscious of what goes on the canvas, it’s the only aspect in my life that I can be proud of. Looking at myself in the mirror, I don’t think I like myself this past year. There are many things I want to change but helpless to, need to regain my pride and confidence, the only way to do this is to be independent. Truly independent. That’s why I have decided to have my own website and have my own freelance business, you know graphics and such. The money is good; I have all the freedom in choosing what project and whom I work with. Best of all, I don’t have to get out of my apartment to do this job. I mean I am no hermit, trust me but I prefer be alone now. Crowds still make me nervous and I don’t have to ass lick anyone to get ahead, after all it’s my own business. It’s all mine, there was no start up cost and I have named it Brat. Inc. Yes, I know its obvious but I like it, almost in your face type of defiance. Anyway, my clients don’t care as long as I give them their money’s worth. 

Did I mention that even when I am such an emotional basket case, my art and my business are doing well? Yes, okay. Well enough to be able to buy myself a car, security and a peace of mind. Meaning, I don’t have to worry about paying my bills or depending on someone else to bail my ass just because I can’t pay my tuition. My tuition is taken care of so that I don’t feel obliged to him and he to me, if I ever want to start over with him, I have to be totally independent. Be together when we want to and not because we have chains on our legs, even if it’s financial.

Here I am, driving to school. I like going to school, it reminds me of being alive. Interaction with my classmates and lecturers keep me grounded, not slip away into the abyss. I stop working at the diner, stop thinking I can ever assimilate myself into his life and stop wishing that Ethan is the man for me. I basically stop. Stop feeling and hoping. The only person that I have contact with from his circle of friends is Emmett. He always has kind words for me but also very honest opinions about reality. I cherish his ability to be compassionate and brutal at the same time, the only thing I can offer him is my art. We talk to each other all the time and write emails when each of us are unable to call, usually I will give him a piece of my latest design and he will print them into t-shirts. I have seen some of my creation on Liberty Avenue, even Babylon. Although they are no longer my playground, I will only visit them if I am certain that he is not there or in Pittsburgh, Emmett is the only person whom I will go with. I almost always leave early, just in case. 

Next week, I will leave Pittsburgh and go to New York on a business trip. This client of mine wishes to see my work personally, all expenses paid. Why not? This company is a reputable one, not a Fortune 500 yet but has great potential to grow, like mine. A weekend trip is all I need and can afford at this moment; school is still my top priority. Sometimes, I forget that I am all but twenty. Soon before I know it, I will be an adult in the eyes of the law at least. It will not make a big difference to me but it will bring more credibility to my business. No one will be able to dismiss me or deny me anything based on my age. This trip is a kind of validation for me; much will be achieved if I get this contract. 

Class is starting, must pay attention. Oh yes, now I remember why we are in studio one. Nude today. A male model with a body that could make David green with jealousy is taking his place on the chaise, his back is to me but I seem to find this body familiar. My lecturer introduced him as Brian and I smirked but never look up from my canvas, until he speaks. It is only then that I stop. Stop breathing.


End file.
